Break
by 25f.t.i
Summary: Should Logan take a break, or completely break under pressure? Kendall's not going to let the latter happen, that's for sure.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these boys.**

**A/N: This is my first attempt at a BTR story, well, my second attempt, but an honest one. Tell me what you guys think. Should I continue? If not, my story's perfect this way. I just have plans for this story. :)**

Logan's pov

The sun was hot. That was what had made me go to my apartment 2J. I knew Kendall wanted me to have a day to relax. He noticed that I worried a lot, so he made me stay with him, but now I had enough.

I was having a very weird day anyway, and I wasn't sure why.

I mean, I hadn't slept in days. It was all because Gustavo had me and my band mates working so hard that I could barely handle it. I was tired, but I wanted to be done fast, soon, quick!

Kendall and the others were in the pool. Probably flirting with some girls or something.

I sighed and decided that a shower would help me. It did, I even used some of James's special shampoo that made the whole bathroom smell like chocolate or something similar.

I heard the door open and ignored it.

Suddenly the bathroom door was flung open and I screamed when James's was there, a triumphant smile on his face. He frowned when he saw me.

"What the hell?" I screamed and hoped he couldn't see me.

"Sorry, Logie. I thought it was Carlos using my shampoo again. I told him not to use it. Later." He closed the door behind him and I relaxed. Then it opened again, I screamed and pulled the cover close to me. "If you see him using my champoo tell me."

"Fine, I will. Get out!" I screamed.

When he finally did, I finished the shower and got out. I smelled better that was a plus, but now I had to work, and fast. The others could play all they wanted, but I had work to do and I would do it.

Kendall's pov

I sighed in the nice feel of the sun and made myself more comfortable in the chair I was in.

"Where's Carlos?" I heard James mutter somewhere around me. I spotted him over by a bush, checking behind it.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

"Looking for Carlos." He answered.

"Well, he's not here." I told him.

James whirled over to me. "Where he go?"

I shrugged. "Don't know. He just said he wanted to go to the park."

"Palmswoods Park?" James thought for a second then left.

When he left I noticed that Logan wasn't there. I looked up and found Camille on the other side of the pool. Wanting to solve my small mystery I went over to her.

"Hey, Kendall." Camille said with a bright smile on her face.

I smiled back. "Hey, Camille. Have you seen Logan?"

Camille looked around the pool, then shook her head. "I saw him go to the elevator. He's probably in you guys apartment."

"Now? But I thought we were relaxing?" I said.

Camille shrugged. "He looked stressed."

"He always looks stressed." I pointed out.

"Well, more than usual." Camille corrected.

I sighed. "I'll see you later. I'm going to check on him. Bye." Camille said goodbye and I went to the elevator, then to my apartment.

There he was. Sitting in the living room, the t.v. off, no music, probably working on lyrics.

Gustavo was in charge of the lyrics, but he asked us to give him ideas if he had any. We all knew that was code for "leave me alone and don't bug me until I have a new song ready for you".

Logan was so into his work that he didn't even notice when I had walked up behind him. When he did he jumped and screamed.

"Aah! Kendall, how long have you been standing there?" Logan asked, a hand over his chest. I smirked.

"For a good ten minutes." I said, teasingly. "My stealth was what covered for me. And so I was able to sneak up on you." I rustled his hair.

He laughed and pushed my hand away.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"What?" Logan looked around the apartment. "I'm just sitting."

"You should be at the pool. Relaxing." I told him.

Logan looked ready to argue. "You have enough work. I think you should take a break sometimes."

"I take breaks. You just don't see me." Logan countered.

I chuckled and rustled his hair for the heck of it. Logan pushed my hand away again.

"Whatever." I said. "Just don't sneak off to work again, okay?"

"In my defense, I sneaked off to take a shower. It was hot out there." Logan retorted.

"Well, that's why it's a pool. So you could cool off from the heat."

Logan smirked. "Whatever, smartie pants. Since when are you the bossy one?"

"Since James decided to follow Carlos to the park and took his bossiness with him. Come on, let's go back to the pool."

I saw him hesitate. His eyes on the notebook in his lap, before nodding and getting up.

"Let's go."

I smiled and led the way downstairs.

**Review, please :) They make me happy.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these boys.**

**A/N: Thank you, LazyLazyWriter for reviewing and here is chapter two of Break. Hope you enjoy. :) And thanks to you guys who put my story in you guys story alert. Thank you. :) That made my day.**

**A/N 2: This is a bit long, but I wanted to explain why Logan is going to do what he's going to do. It'll get better soon. :) Enjoy. **

Logan's pov

I ran for what seemed like the 20th time in a row and panted. I stopped and coughed. Okay, that was enough for now. I needed a break. There. I admitted it to myself. I did need a break, just like Kendall's always trying to remind me to do. Well, my break was running around the whole Palmwoods Park. Anyway, I heard that exercise helps with stress.

"Hey, buddy." Carlos said, walking over to Logan with a big smile on his face.

"Hey, buddy." I said, panting.

"You look beat. Are you okay?" Carlos asked, looking worried.

"I'm good. Just relaxing." I said, waving him off. "Where are the others?" I asked, before he would say anything else.

"At the pool. Kendall wanted me to check on you." Carlos admitted looking sheepish.

"Check on me?" I asked, and stopped my breathing. "Why would he do that? Does he think I'm working or something?"

"Well..." Carlos looked uncomfortable, and I shook my head feeling bad.

"Never mind." I laughed. "Come on, let's go back." I manuevered him back to the Palmwoods and sighed when Kendall ran over to us.

"Hey, had a nice work out?" Kendall asked, obviously taking notice to my sweaty head.

"It was...relaxing." I lied, and smiled. Kendall believed me, because he smiled. Why shouldn't he? Kendall always believed me. "I'm going to take a shower because I stink." I told them.

They said goodbye, and I took my time in the shower. Only when I felt relaxed, but slightly sore, did I get out of the warm, inviting water.

Immediately, I went back to my work. I was so closed to finishing this new song, but then sighed. It didn't feel good. It never felt good. Why?

I ripped the paper out and threw it in the small trash bin. I heard the door open and hid the notebook right before Kendall walked inside the house.

"Hey, what were you doing?" Kendall asked, eyeing me with narrowed eyes.

"Nothing." I shuggged. "Just laying here. Tired."

"You ran today?" Kendall asked.

"Carlos told you?"

Kendall nodded. "You looked pretty beat earlier. How much did you run?" Kendall asked worriedly.

"Not that much, just a couple of laps." I lied again. Not exactly sure why. Maybe because I was so angry that he was butting into my business. I was already doing what he wanted, why couldn't he leave me alone?

"How many?" Pressed Kendall, crossing his hands over my chest.

"Five, Kendall. Seriously, would you relax? I'm the one who's always supposed to worry." My anger was clear in my voice and I looked away, not wanting to get into an argument.

"Logan-"

"DINNER"S READY!" Carlos and James screamed.

"I'm starving." I said, and walked past Kendall, not wanting to talk to him right then.

Kendall's pov

Logan walked past me and I stared at his bed, where he had been just a while ago. What was the matter with him? He was probably just stressed, I thought. Why else would he act like that? Sighing, I decided to leave Logan alone for now.

Dinner was awkward. Logan and I looked at each other but neither of us talked, except to the others. And that was only because they were talking to us. Maybe I should talk to him now, I decided after watching t.v. and brushing my teeth.

When Logan came from the bathroom, I looked at him nervously. "Logan, are you angry?"

"No, why?" Logan looked surprised and I smiled at how stupid I was being.

"Oh, no reason. Never mind." I waved him off. Logan shrugged and turned off the light. We both laid in bed, but I stayed awake, thinking of Logan. I knew him better than the others. I knew he was going to get stressed soon. Something always stressed Logan. I just didn't know why. I just knew I had to watch out for when Logan started acting weird.

Logan's pov

Kendall wasn't leaving me alone, and I was starting to get really annoyed.

"What's the matter between you guys?" Katie asked me one day when we were both alone in the elevator. The first time in weeks that Kendall wasn't around.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"You and Kendall. You guys are acting weird. He's following you around. You look like you're avoiding him and well, it's a bit interesting." Katie smiled. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing." I lied.

"Logan, you- Fine nothing's wrong. Kendall's just following you around. Why?" Katie pressed.

"He's trying to be my mother." I said, and was surprised by how bitter my voice was. But I welcomed that. I really was annoyed that he was always on me. I needed to work, why couldn't he accept that?

"Logan, I think he's just worried about you." Katie put a soft hand on my arm. "Just ignore him. It'll be better when you do."

"Ignore him?" I asked.

"Well, not the way you're ignoring him now. Just ignore the fact that he's following you around and everything else just pay attention to." Katie explained.

"Okay, I guess."

Katie smiled at me, and when the elevator door opened we both screamed and jumped when we saw Kendall there, panting and looking like he had ran a mile.

"There you are, Katie." Kendall laughed and got Katie, even though I saw him looking at me a couple of times.

Oh god. I closed the elevator door and went to the first floor. As soon as I it opened I ran for it.

I ran around the whole city, not even stopping for a second. People looked at me like I was crazy, they all cursed at me if I ran into them and only stopped when I reached a gas station. I stopped and dropped to the floor. My feet were like jelly, they burned so much I had tears in my eyes.

"Are you okay?" An old lady asked.

I got up. "Great." I walked away, trying not to limp and stopped only when I was close to the park. I laid on the ground, out of breath. My mouth was dry and my clip chapped. My nose started to burn, but I had the idea that I was barely noticing.

"I hate this." I muttered to myself. I hated working and never doing anything fun. I wasn't fun, who was I kidding. Everyone who listened to Big Time Rush thought of me as the loser, the dork, the nerd, the geek. I started to get tears, but this time because of my thoughts.

Why couldn't Kendall just leave me alone? I was so angry at everything and he was making it worse. I knew he cared, but why should he? They were all better without me anyway. I hated all of this.

I shook my head, not wanting to think bad thoughts. I was smarter than that. That thought made me scoff. "Yes, I'm the smart one." I stared at the sky. It was so beautiful, the moon was just about to be a new moon.

Maybe if I could just get away from the others, get some peace. Maybe like that I'll feel better. Yeah, that's what I'll do. Maybe I'll even run a bit.

A smile formed in my lips and decided that this was the best moment for me to be a new person.

**Review Please. They make me very happy. :) Tell me what you guys think. **


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these boys.**

**A/N: Now it gets a bit depressed.**

**Warnings: Cutting and self-harm.**

Kendall's pov

"Where's Logan?" Kelly asked, worriedly. She kept looking to Gustavo's office and I did too. Any minute now he would be out and screaming for not having recorded yet.

"He's just a bit late." I answered.

"Where is he?" Kelly asked again.

"Made it!" Logan screamed and we all jumped. He coughed and sputtered that I ran over to him and tried to help him stand straighter, but he just pushed me away. "I'm fine." He said, and smiled at Kelly.

"You look beautiful." He said, and kissed her hand.

"I- Thank you, Logan. I'll call Gustavo."

It got weirder after that. He would sing and do good, but when we took breaks he would do summer saults to the point where he was out of breath. Everyonce in a while he would fall, and look like he was seriously hurt, but he'd only get up and start all over again.

"What is he doing?" growled Gustavo. "Why is he jumping around like a monkey?"

"He's having fun." Carlos screamed and went to join him.

"He's been acting like that the whole week." James said, watching them and he looked kind of worried.

"Why?" Kelly asked, probably thinking it was strange.

James shrugged.

"Talk to him, dog." Gustavo said, looking at me. Then he told James and me that today's recording was done, he would put the songs safely in the computer and to be back in two days, ready to sing more.

We all went home and I was so glad that I just dropped to the couch. Mom got her bag and sighed.

"I'm going to do some yoga. Are you sure you don't want to go, Katie?" Mom asked, Katie shook her head and went back to work on her homework. "I'll see you later then. Don't take her anywhere, Kendall. She's coming down with the flu and she needs her rest. I'll see you later, boys."

"Bye, Momma Knight!" They all called and she left.

"Can we watch Harry Potter?" Carlos asked, jumping up and down.

"I'm going down to the pool." Logan said, and walked to the door.

We all looked at him like he had growned three heads.

"Who are you and what have you done to our Logie?" James asked, an amused smile on his face.

"What?" Logan turned to us, confused.

"Logan, you'd never go to the pool voluntarily. Why now?" I asked.

Logan blushed, but smiled at us. "I just want to, okay? Later." He closed the door and we all looked at each other.

"Weird." Katie supplied.

"Very." James nodded.

"Harry Potter!" Carlos screamed and put on the movie. I watched Katie, and frowned every time she sneezed.

"Want to go to bed?" I asked her.

"No, not until I'm finished." She sneezed a couple more times, but in the end she did finish her work. "I'm going to bed." She sounded very sick and sneezed on her way to her room.

"Poor thing." James said, watching my sister go to her room.

"We'll let her sleep and tomorrow we'll pamper her." James nodded to my idea. With Katie in her room that let me have time to worry about Logan. What was wrong with him? He's been acting weird lately. Always running and wearing clothes he's not used to wearing, why?

"Relax." James whispered to me. "He's okay." James said, with a small smile on his face. I nodded even though I didn't believe him. I never would unless Logan was here next to me.

Logan's pov

Are you sure you want to do this? I asked myself that question all the time right before I pulled out the razor. I closed my eyes and looked up at the night sky. I had lied and went to a park away from the Palm Woods. It didn't let me feel so guilty for what I did- do.

Pulling the razor from my bag, I hide behind a tree and sigh. It's okay, my mind said to me. The beating of my heart rang in my ears.

I raised my shirt a little and cut a small piece of my arm. I did it up close to my shoulder, so if I had to take off my sweater It would be hidden.

They never noticed anyway.

I did it again, a bit higher and the blood gushed out fast and strong. I hissed at the pain and worried that I might have cut something important, but my inner doctor knew I hadn't.

It's the last time. I told myself. After wrapping my small cuts in a bandage, (or a few of them), I began to run like there was no tomorrow. It hurt, It always did, but I wanted it to hurt. The more it hurt the less I would have to cut my skin open.

When everything hurt more than I could imagine, I went home.

"You missed dinner." Momma Knight told me a frown on her face.

"I- um, sorry." I said, and felt the pain in my shoulder increase. There was a small trickle of something and I hissed. The sweat was entering my cuts.

"Are you okay?" she asked and tried to touch me.

I coughed wildly and like I had expected she pulled her hand away. "Just need to take a shower. I'm just so tired."

"Tired?" Kendall asked, walking from the kitchen.

"Yeah."

"Weren't you at the pool?" He asked.

"No, I-yes." I cleared my throat, trying to think of something. "I just wanted to run."

"Logan, aren't you excersising a little too much?" Momma Knight asked.

"No! I mean, no, no." I laughed. "I heard that running and keeping in shape helps with breathing and vocals."

They both looked at me worried. I hated that look. Without another word I left to the bathroom. I took off my sweater, and gasped when I saw the blood on my shirt. I had to get rid of it. If they found it...I didn't want to think about it.

I removed the bloodied bandages and wrapped them in toilet paper, and then dumped them in the trash. I made a bunch of paper balls and threw them on top of it, so they wouldn't see it if when they threw it out.

The water burned on my healing skin. It burned even more when I used the soap and the shampoo. It was such a relief to feel another shot of pain.

_nerd, geek, loser._

My mind told me those things as I took my shower.

Then the problem happened.

I didn't have a clean shirt, and I couldn't hide my cuts. _Kendall. _If he saw me...He will kill me!

I opened the door and heard him and his mom talking in the living room. I made a run for it to the room and the first thing I did was put on a shirt, and them throw the bloody one. After making sure it was well hidden, I got dressed, then put on more bandages, and then, got some of my secret bandages. I always kept some, just in case of an emergency.

Kendall came to the room and I hid them under the covers.

"Why are you so jumpy?" Kendall asked.

"No reason." I shook my head.

"Logan why are you exercising so much?"

"I want to be in shape." I lied.

"Logan." He began, and my anger took over.

"Fine, I'll stop." _I'll just cut myself instead._ "Happy?"

"No, Logan, I didn't mean for you to-"

"Whatever, Kendall. Why do you always have to control everything I do?" I asked, angrily.

"Because you have a tendency to hurt yourself with overworking and now overexercising." Kendall said, almost shouting. Noticing that, he clenched his hands and gave me a dark look before leaving.

_Guess, I'm an idiot that hurts the people around me, too. _I thought sadly. My heart tightened in my chest and bitter tears began to brim in my eyes, but I shook it off. Anger blazed in my heart. _Fine, I'll stop running, Kendall. Be happy that I'm stupid and that at least the world will be right when I cut again._

I closed my eyes, completely forgetting about putting on the bandages. I hid them again, and went to a restless, hurting sleep.

**Logan's gone off the deep end. Poor sweetheart. :( **


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these boys.**

**A/N: Well, here's chapter four.**

Kendall's pov

Logan has been avoiding me ever since I screamed at him a month ago. I wanted to talk to him, but he wouldn't let me.

"What's up?" Jo asked, a bright smile on her face.

"Nothing." I smiled and kissed her on the lips.

Jo pursed her lips. "What's up with Logan?"

I sighed. "No idea."

"Tell me." She sat next to me in the chair. James and Logan were on the other side of the pool, James looked tired and was trying to explain something, but Logan would snap at what he said.

"I told him he couldn't run anymore."

"What?" Jo looked at me, shocked. "Why?"

"He's overdoing it Jo, just like he overdoes everything." I snapped. "I'm sorry." I said, feeling bad.

"No, it's okay." She looked over at Logan who was now talking to James in an angry, but controlled manner.

"Great, he's at it again." I sighed.

"What?" Jo asked, confused.

"Logan's been snappy lately. I don't know why. I -he won't talk to me or the others. The only one's he talks to is Katie and Carlos, and that's only because they don't smother him or boss him around." The bitterness in my voice was not by choice, he just made me angry.

"Maybe, he just needs space." Jo suggested, with a shrug.

"He's Logan. He's always there for us, now he probably needs us more than ever, but he pushes us away."

Jo looked at me sadly, and rubbed my shoulders. "It'll be okay." She shrugged and said, "He feels stressed, Kendall. Logan's the kind of person, that to me, will find ways to control that."

That caught my attention. "Control it?"

"Yes, Logan knows everything. He's a very diligent person, so when he's overworked and trying to do it, he'll manage it in his way. Maybe having some distance from you is his way of control." Jo smiled. "You guys probably send him up the roof with how easy-going you all are." she chuckled, but that stuck with me the whole day.

Again, Logan disappeared into one of his long adventures, but instead of planning to follow them I got Carlos and James in the living room. Mom and Katie had gone to the market to buy some groceries, so it was safe to talk about anything.

"There's something wrong with Logan." I stated for the millionth time probably.

"Yes, we got that the last couple of times." James sarcastically said.

I rolled my eyes.

"I don't need your sarcasm, James. This is serious. Or friend is having problems, so let's think and figure out what they are." I said, voice tight.

"Fine, as long as you stop getting annoying and predictable. You're starting to sound like a broken record now, Kendall. We don't talk about girls anymore Worst of all you won't listen to me when I tell you about my hair products." James said, voice full of hurt and his face showed it.

"James, I'm...sorry." I sighed. "Just pay attention okay, I really need to figure out what's wrong with him."

"Maybe nothing's wrong with him. I mean, he usually tells me when something's wrong." Carlos pointed out.

James and I nodded.

Suddenly an idea popped into my head. It probably got into James's head because we both jumped to our feet and screamed out:

"He has a secret!" We both nodded to each other.

"It must be extra serious if he won't tell Carlos." James said, with a triumphant smile on his face.

"I don't really understand he tells me everything." Carlos said, standing up.

"Yes, and every secret he or we tell you what do you do?" I asked.

"I..." Carlos shook his head. "I don't do anything. I tell you guys."

"Yes! We tell you everything because you know something's wrong. And if you haven't gotten it out of Logan than it must be bad and big." I reasoned.

James and Carlos nodded to me.

"Guys, we need to figure out what he's hiding." I said, determined more than ever. "Even if it's the last thing we do."

We all nodded to each other, and knew what we had to do.

**Well, it might be short, but at least they're not going to let Logan out of their sight now. Hope you enjoyed. :)**


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these boys.**

Kendall's pov

It was eight in the morning and Gustavo had accepted our proposal, so Logan left extra early. James and Carlos set out to get ready, but took their sweet time. We had all agreed that I would be the only one who would be able to convince him to talk.

And I got him right where I wanted him.

We were both in Rocque Records, with no one around. Gustavo had gotten Kelly to go to the Palm Woods, and so we were all alone.

"Where's Gustavo?" Logan asked, nervously.

"Let's go look in his office." I said, leading the way.

Logan followed me nervously, and I let him in first. It didn't take a long time for him to notice that no one was around so he was about to get out when I closed the door behind me.

"What is this?" Logan asked worried.

"I'm doing an intervention." I stated.

"Shouldn't that be done with more than one person?" Logan asked.

I rolled my eyes. "Take off your clothes."

Logan's mouth dropped. "What?"

"You heard me. Take off your clothes." I said, wanting to not shout.

"Why?" Logan asked, looking at bit freaked out.

I didn't know why either, but he's been dressing differently and that told me there was something wrong. "Get them off."

"No."

"Are you hiding something?" I asked, ready to rip the clothes off myself. Jo's words came back to me and I shook my head. "Just take them off, Logan. I need to see that you're okay."

"Why don't you think that I'm not okay?" Logan whispered, voice broken, he was close to tears, but he was fighting them.

"You're my best friend, Logan. Please, do this for me. Take off your clothes." I pleaded, my voice broke, but I would not look away. I needed Logan to do this. Now. Today.

Logan's pov

Kendall looked at me, waiting for me to take off my clothes, and I didn't want to. I wanted the earth to eat me alive, I wanted to die, I wanted to be as far away from this as possible.

"No." I hissed and tried to push Kendall out of the way, only to have him push me into the door.

"Why not? What are you doing to yourself, Logan?"

"Nothing." I said, pulling and pushing against him to make him let me go, but he wouldn't budge. "Let me go. Kendall, please!Please." I cried, the tears falling from my eyes, and I refused to look at him. My cheeks burned from shame and I tried not to let him see that.

"I'm going to rip those clothes off of you, Logan, if you don't do as I say." Kendall whispered into my ear.

I pushed him off and sighed. "Why?"

"I know you, Logan. So either stop acting like a little girl and I take off your clothes, or you take your clothes off by yourself." I glared at him.

I took off my shirt and heard him gasp. "Happy?"

He tried to touch my cuts, a pained look on his face, but I pulled away harshly.

"Will you leave me alone now?" I snapped.

Kendall shook his head, controlling his tears and pulled me against his chest. I tried to pull away for a good 10 minutes, but he wouldn't let me go. I really wanted him too. I felt so ashamed. Kendall, trapped me in his arms and waited for me to stop.

"I love you, Logan. I don't want you to hurt yourself. I don't know what you're going through, but don't do this anymore." Kendall begged, and I felt myself lose it in his arms.

"Don't do this to me." I said, pulling away, the tears falling down with no restraint now. Kendall wouldn't let go and a sob broke out of me. "I- none of you were ever supposed to find out. Not any of you. Never. Don't - Let me go!" I screamed.

Kendall couldn't stop the tears either, and we just stare at each other. "Don't do this, Logie. I don't want you to hurt yourself like this. You're too special for this."

I shook my head.

"We'll try to help you, all of us." Kendall said, trying to make everything better.

"No, Kendall. You can't tell them. Please." I shook my head, feeling like a trapped animal. "It'll break Carlos's heart. Don't tell any of them. James wouldn't understand either._ Please_." I begged, voice full of pain.

Kendall looked at me sadly. "I have to help you, Logan."

"Then you help me." I blurted out. "But please don't tell the others."

"Logan, I have-"

I shook my head and this time I grabbed him. I pulled him toward me and shook my head, freaking out.

"Please, do this. For me. I'll do whatever you want, just don't tell them."

"Logan." Kendall started.

"Please." I begged and dropped to my knees, hugging his waist and feeling the horror take over me as I hugged him for dear life.

Kendall sighed and pulled me up. "Look, I'll try something. For at least a week. You have to stay with me period. If you start feeling like...hurting yourself, you tell me okay?"

I nodded and hugged him tight. So tight I was sure he couldn't breath. I felt a huge weight be lifted, but at the same time, another one took over, but I let it get in the back of my head for now.

It was no use to worry. Not when I knew Kendall would think the worst after this.

**Kind of a small chapter, boring, too maybe. :)**


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these boys.**

Kendall's pov

No matter how hard Logan tried, it didn't help. In the beginning he was perfect. We were getting along so well. He would stick around me and never leave my sight. That suited me just fine, but it all started to get weird after our first meet and greet.

I made sure that I kept a good eye on him, but as we entered the big room, it got some of my attention. It smelled so good and it made me feel dizzy. All of this was so exciting.

The faint scent of chocolate reached my nose, but it was Carlos who found the small treats.

Kelly allowed us to get a couple, but to watch our sugar intake.

That was fine with me.

Logan's pov

I promised Kendall everything, that I would stop, that I would be with him so he wouldn't worry, but I was starting to lose control.

I wanted to cut so badly. It itched at me every day that I was awake of asleep.

But it got worse when I got a surprise from one of the Mom's from the meet and greet.

I had spent about an hour and a half hugging, signing and taking pictures with the others for all the young girls. They were all in their teens and pre-teen years. I knew they liked us, but to have them infront of me, that was a completely different story.

One by one, all the others were pulled away from me to talk with some of the group of girls that came together.

I was glad that I had finally gotten a break that I went back to the table and was cleaning up my papers when someone tapped my on my shoulder. She was a young mom, with read hair and burning green eyes. I smiled at her, nervously.

"Hello, dear, what's your name?" She asked, a gentle smile on her face that changed her whole face.

I relaxed. "Logan."

"Oh." She handed me a little red book. "MY daughter loves all of you. I already got all of their signatures and you're the last one."

"What's her name?" I asked, ready to write my signature and a brief message.

"Jessica-Lee." The woman smiled at me.

I began to write my small hello when she chuckled. I handed it back to her a small smile on my face. Confused as to why she was even laughing.

"No offense, darling, but you don't seem to be part of that group." She gently smiled at me. And I looked into her eyes. They were a very light green and she was looking at me with this very polite smile on her face. But her eyes. They were so judging, I wanted to look away, but I just couldn't.

"I..." I couldn't say anything to that.

"You look so small and smart. So mature." She looked over at the others, who were laughing and smiling at the others. Carlos was playing, being the same kid at heart. James was giving a group of girls his best smile while, Kendall was gently flirting with another group. "They have a gift with people." I turned back to her. "What did you want to be, dear, if you hadn't become a singer?"

"A doctor." I whispered.

"Oh, well that's a very good job." She smiled lightly at him. "I think that your adorable smile would do better in a doctor's office than here as a singer." She patted me gently, barely touching me. "Just some advice, honey."

"Thank you." I said, voice weird and unknown. "I'll think about it."

"Good, I'm just trying to help." She left then and I watched her go, my body growing cold and hot all at the same time.

After that my happiness left. I didn't feel glad signing people's books. I felt guilty, wrong, like I didn't deserve to do it.

I signed a couple more autographs and put on my 'adorable' smile on.

All I wanted was to leave.

When I got other chances to be alone I spent them watching the others, hurt and confused.

They were all so much better than me. Who was I kidding? I could never make it as a singer. I didn't even get the slightest chance to be the cute one or anything.

_geek, nerd, dork_

My eyes began to get a bit wet, but I pushed them away. Right now was not the time.

Finally when the last person left, Kelly ran over and hugged all of us, squealing.

"You all did great! I'm so proud of all of you." She said, giving all of us a big, proud smile.

My heart tightened as I thought of what the woman had said.

_They have a gift with people._

Kelly's words made me feel guilty. She shouldn't be smiling at me. She shouldn't be proud of me. I don't do anything for this band.

Not wanting to get back down in the dumps, I pushed those thoughts away. There was no use to feel so crappy, not now anyway.

"Good job, dogs. You did better than I would've expected." Gustavo told us when we got in his limousine.

Again the slight twinge of guilt won over and I wanted nothing more than to go to my bed and hide forever.

Someone touched me in my cut shoulder and I suppressed the urge to hiss when the slight pain went through me.

"You okay?" James asked, softly. His eyes warm and concerned. Real. The complete opposite of the woman's from earlier.

_They have a gift with people._

I smiled as the pain turned to sweet, unwanted pleasure.

"Never better. I'm just tired." I lied, a small smile on my face.

James relaxed at that. "Yeah, me too. They were great huh?"

I nodded and sighed.

"You did great, James. I knew you would, but you really...have a gift with people." I said, clapping his back gently. "Good job."

"It's hard not to do great. You gotta love them, right?" He asked.

"Yes." I nodded and we were distracted when Kelly told us that we were going to get pizza and then go back to the Palm Woods to celebrate.

"Great, I'm starving." James exclaimed and he and Carlos began talking to each other.

I hanged back and watched them again. Gustavo and Kendall were listening to every word that Kelly said. Carlos and James were happy with the idea of food, but were talking about the meet and greet.

They all really belonged here.

Gustavo had wanted Kendall out of all of us. Kendall was the reason why we were all here. And soon we all had all gotten the ropes of what it meant to be singers, but I was the one who always was out of place. I was the smart one, the mature one, the serious one.

The dork. The geek. The _nerd_.

I didn't belong here with them. I was the outcast.

Kendall's pov

We were having such a great time and even celebrated with Pizza. I was about to feel relief when Logan began to act different. He ate, he sang and danced, and he was always with me, so I was sure that he didn't cut. But the others didn't notice that he looked extra gloomy. Depressed even.

I couldn't figure out why, but I was going to find out.

Two weeks after the meet and greet and after having long days at school and at Rocque Records, we all got home.

The Carlos and James immediately went to the pool, but I was going to stay in. Being with Logan was nice. It was stressing when I wasn't with him, but when I was, he was great company.

"What's up?" I moaned out after I dropped on the bed.

"What?" Logan looked just as exhausted as me.

"How are you?" I asked.

"Great." He yawned.

I sat up. This was my moment to find out what was wrong with Logan. It was now or never.

"Are you okay?" I asked, and he nodded distractedly. "What are you thinking about?"

"Nothing." He sat up and rubbed his neck. He looked pretty beat for a second before he hid it behind his smile.

"I've been so stoked ever since the meet and greet." I said, changing the subject, but studying his every move.

Logan nodded me to, and cleared his throat. "Yeah, it gave me a lot to think about."

"Like what?" I asked, wanting to know.

"It's nothing really." Logan shook his head. I was going to let it go, knowing that I shouldn't push Logan to talk to me. He would when the time was ready.

A day later, we were at Rocque Records and Gustavo was having a fit because he had a talk with Griffin. He told Gustavo that he wanted the Demo done a month earlier so he only had a month and a half to write 7 more songs.

"Relax, Gustavo." Kelly said, worriedly. "It'll be okay."

But Gustavo didn't relax. Instead he started to shake. "Better step outside, you guys." Logan told us.

We all did.

"What's wrong with him?" I asked, when Kelly closed the door behind her and tried to talk to Gustavo to calm him down.

"He's under a lot of stress. He needs sleep and to relax. Soon, he'll reach a nervous breakdown or worse." He sighed and sat on the couch.

"You should be a doctor, Logie." Carlos said and Logan looked at him, shocked.

"What?" He whispered.

"You're so good at knowing what's wrong with people." Carlos said, a smile on his face.

"No, I just know a lot, I'm not really a doctor yet." Logan said, a small tight smile on his face.

"Well, then you should be a teacher of doctors or something like that. You're very smart." James pointed out and nodded.

Logan hugged his knees to his chest and smiled at us wistfully. "Really? You guys think I would make a good doctor?"

"Yes." We all told him. And Logan shook his head, and looked down.

"COME HERE, DOGS!" Gustavo screamed from the inside and we all braced our selves for the lecture of our lifetime.

I looked at Logan, who would normally have a very interested look on his face, but this time he just looked sad and thoughtful.

I didn't have a chance to talk to him until almost a week later. On a Thursday. Fall was almost over and it was getting cold, but the climate here was pretty great.

Logan didn't spend time out anymore, though. Said he had a lot of homework and even when I forced him out to the pool, he would have a book in his hands, studying.

It was better than him being inside, so I didn't really mind it as much.

When we finally got to bed that night, and after having that same thoughtful look he gets when he's really thinking, I was ready to talk to him, but he beat me to it.

"Are you asleep, Kendall?" Logan whispered into our darkened room.

"That depends, are you sleep-talking?" I asked back.

"How would that make a difference?" Logan asked, laughing. I could feel the smile even though I couldn't see it.

"Well, if you're awake and talking than I'm awake, too." I paused. "But, if you're sleep-talking than no, I'm not awake." I finished.

Logan laughed at my logic. "I'm awake, too."

"Good. What's up?" I asked.

"Do you think that I would be a good doctor?" He asked, voice soft and small.

"Yes, of course." I laughed. "Why do you ask?"

Silence. He didn't answer me for a good minute. I was about to ask him what was wrong, when he answered.

"Just wondering." He turned on his sighed and yawned. "Good night." He told me.

I said good night back, but it took me a while to go back to sleep. I wondered why he had even asked that. Not wanting to think too much into it, I relaxed and fell into a deep sleep.

**There you have it. Took me along time to write, but I'm proud of it. I do feel sad that I'm making Logan's life miserable, but It'll get better. Let's hope. :)**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these boys.**

Katie's pov

Logan was not acting his usual dorky self. I knew Kendall was too dumb to ask, so I took it into my own hands.

We were all in the pool and while the others were either in the pool or flirting with girls, I walked over to Logan.

"Kendall and the others are distracted so you have ten minutes to tell me what's wrong." I said, looking down at my watch.

Logan looked up from his homework. "Huh?"

"Look, I know there's something wrong, you're not too good at hiding it...from me. So spill. What's up?" I asked, choosing my words.

"I..." Logan sighed and looked at me. "You're not going to leave me alone are you?" He asked. I shook my head before he even asked. "Fine, I...do you think I'm a better doctor than singer?" He asked.

"What?" I stared at him. "Logan, if you were a bad singer, Gustavo would throw you out just like that," I snapped my fingers.

Logan smiled at me, but shook his head. "Kendall would never let him do that."

I paused, because that was true. "Logan," I sat down next to him. "If Gustavo knew that was going to happen do you really think that would stop him?"

He shook his head.

"Exactly. He would scream and promise to never have you in the studio again, but in the end Kendall would win. He always does." He looked down, thoughtfully. "The point is, if Gustavo had thought of kicking you out, they would've done it already." I breathed in. "What else?"

Logan smiled. "You really are smart aren't you?"

"Just wait until I'm 15, I'll be smarter than you and people will take me seriously." I shrugged. It was the truth. Right now, everyone thought I was cute and adorable. Maybe when I grew up, if I was still cute and adorable I would make idiots of a bunch of boys.

"That's true." Logan sighed. "Everyone thought that Wayne Wayne would take me out instead of Kendall." He pointed out. "Gustavo doesn't have to say that I'm a bad singer, because every one else does."

"Who's everyone else?" I asked, now angry.

Logan shook his head fast. "No one, nothing. I didn't say anything." He said, quickly.

"Tell me, Logan. You don't want me to get the others involved."

He sighed. "A...look, I just get the feeling that I'm not really that great with people." He said.

I narrowed my eyes. "Not good with people?"

"You have any idea how Mom and Kelly love you. Camille loves you. Every fan of Big Time Rush will say that they liked you if they met you in person. You have a gift with people." I said.

"Oh yeah, what's that?" Logan asked, not convinced.

"You make people comfortable." I pointed out.

"So do the others." Logan argued.

"You help other people." I tried with that.

"So does every one in the world." Logan retorted.

I rolled my eyes. "You're annoyingly smart." I said, bitterly.

Logan looked away, sad, but I didn't let that stop me from what I said next, "And I admire, it makes you my role model."

Logan looked at me surprised. "What?"

"Mom will always be the a role model to me, yes. Kendall will always be my caring older brother, but you teach me that you don't have to be smart to be cool." I smiled. "You're both, but you get my point."

Logan smiled sadly, and began to shake his head. I waited for him to argue back, but instead he hugged me and pulled me close.

"I've been so stupid, and probably always will, but you just made my day." Logan squeezed me tighter and I pretended not to breath. He pulled away and I smiled.

"No, problem, Logan. No stop moping around, the others miss the Logan that's cooler than ice and greater than any singer or doctor alive." I exclaimed and Logan laughed, happier than he had in days.

"What's going on here?" Kendall asked walking over.

We both smiled at each other, and I sighed.

"Nothing, big brother. Just trying to help." I left and watched Logan and Kendall talk. Hoping that he would be happier now and that whatever was bothering him he had let out.

Kendall's pov

"What was that about?" I asked, sitting on the chair next to Logan's.

"I'm so sorry, Kendall." Logan said, looking at me with sad, guilty brown eyes.

"For what?" I asked, confused.

"Hey, let's go back to the apartment." James said, walking over.

"Sure." I turned back to Logan.

He sighed. "I'll tell you later."

I nodded and we both went inside.

We had dinner and talked about our day. Mom didn't waste time in asking about our grades and how the demo was coming up. Gustavo was going crazy with all the writing. Mom said she would visit him tomorrow with Katie, to try and help him relax.

When we went to bed, Logan was getting ready to get into bed before he turned to me.

"Kendall, has Gustavo ever told you that he wants to get rid of me?" He asked.

I stared at him, startled by the question. "Of course not. We would all quit if he did. Why?"

Logan sighed and sat in the bed. "I sometimes think that I'm not good at this stuff."

"What stuff?" I asked, going to sit in his bed.

"The singing and the dancing. Mr. X has more problems with me than anyone else. I'm always hitting you guys and..." He sighed. "I'm just so bad at this."

"Logan, we're learning together." I said, and forced him to look at me. "James is crazy with being famous, we have to bring him down to earth, Carlos sometimes has trouble singing, which I don't think is true, but Gustavo's always going on and on about how bad he is." Logan looked at me sadly, and tried to not look away, but every once in a while he would look down. "You know what's the thing about, Gustavo?" Logan looked at me, waiting for the answer. "He judges us when we're at our best."

Logan stared at me shocked. "What?"

"Yeah." I laughed, knowing I didn't believe it the first time I had figured it out. "Gustavo's hardest on you because you're already good."

"But I don't understand, I mess up." Logan argued, completely taken aback.

"Yes," I nodded to him. "That's the thing. Gustavo has no way of telling us were doing good, so he screams at us. You then try to work harder on being better and it comes out bad." Logan looked at me a bit confused. "Look, we've been in this business how long?"

"Almost a six months."

I nodded. "In those six months, you've done good, you're perfect in every way, and every one loves you. Even Mr. X thinks you're great, but who's the only one who says you're not?"

"Gustavo." Logan sighed.

"Yes, and he does it to all of us." I explained. "He's just a cranky old man that's overworked. You're the smart one Logan, you should know what happens when pressure and stress gets the best of us." I said.

"We scream and get irritable all the time." Logan summarized.

"Exactly." I ruffled his hair and he laughed, before slapping my hand away. "Once again, you're the smart one, but I figure everything out."

Logan looked at me sheepishly, before his eyes brimmed with tears and I hugged him.

"Don't cry." I whispered into his head.

"I'm so sorry, Kendall. I've been so stupid and I did all these bad things." He cried and I felt tears come to my eyes, too, but controlled myself. Logan needed me to be strong and that was what I would be. "I'm so stupid."

"You're only human, Logie. You can't blame yourself for what happened. It's all better now." I said, trying to make it better.

"I did know what was happening." Logan cried, tears of shame streaking down his cheeks like waterfalls.

I kissed his forehead and sighed, closing my own eyes.

"You were stressed and hurt. You were doing exactly what Gustavo was doing. overworking yourself to the point of stress. The only difference was that you didn't yell or hurt others, you were hurting yourself." I whispered my eyes once again filling up with tears, and my vision blurred. "I won't let that happen again, because I'm going to help you feel better. You're a great singer and you do everything better than anyone else I know." I paused trying to not let the fear and pain show in my voice. My mind was filled with Logan's body with cuts and I closed my eyes trying to escape that picture. "Now, I just need you to see that."

Logan hugged me tightly and sniffled a couple of times. "You're the greatest person I've ever met, Kendall." He pulled away. "I love you and the others, all of you guys."

"And we love you, too. We don't want you to do that. Believe me, none of them would want you to do this." I touched him lightly where I though the scars were and he tensed.

"I'm sorry." He whispered again and I hugged him. I knew that now was the time to really talk to him. He wouldn't run away now.

As we pulled away I felt a renewed hope spring in my heart. I let him lay in bed and watched him until he fell asleep, before I went to my bed. Determination to help Logan filled my heart and I knew that I would help him, even if it was the last thing I did.

**Here's another chapter. This one made me a little sad, but happy, because Logan's listening now. :) **


	8. Chapter 8

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these boys.**

**A/N: This came out of nowhere. I wanted to do a filler episode, but it turned more interesting than I had planned. Hope you guys like it. **

Logan's pov

"Bring it here." ordered Kelly.

I helped her put up the banner and stared at it.

"What is it?" I asked, staring at the letters, confused.

"A party." Kelly smiled, but sighed. "Logan, it's a party banner."

"Good job." I said, when she started to look stressed.

"Whatever. Where are the others?" She asked, pulling out her phone and sat down, texting.

"They're playing around like always." I said.

"Elevators?" Kelly asked.

I nodded.

"Why aren't you playing?" Kelly asked worriedly.

"Too tired." I said, which was true. I stayed up late last night helping Carlos focus on homework. Everytime he got distracted I would tell him to pay attention. It worked, but it took hours.

Kelly touched my forehead. "You look tired. Are you okay?"

"Yea, never better." I sighed and sat down. "Need any more help?"

"No, it's all done. Thanks for helping me though." She said.

I smiled at her and we sat down, while she texted.

"Logan!" Carlos screamed, laughing, but looking scared. "Save me!"

He hid behind me and James came in looking pissed. "You little jerk!"

"Woah." I got in between them. "What happened?"

"Carlos took James's lucky comb again." Kendall said, walking over.

I turned to Carlos. He did have the comb.

"Carlos give it back." I told him sternly.

"No, he's being mean." Carlos argued.

"Why?" I turned to James.

James crossed his hands over his chest and huffed.

I turned to Kendall.

"James called Carlos childish." He said.

"He did!" Carlos said, pointing at him accusingly.

"Relax." I said. "Why did he do that?"

"He was bugging me okay." James whined. "I was combing my hair and he wouldn't leave me alone."

"I just wanted to play." Carlos pouted.

I smiled. "Fine. Now apologize to each other." I ordered.

Carlos and James glared at each other before looking away, hands crossed.

Kendall looked at me and I nodded.

"Let us out!" Carlos screamed, his voice muffled through the supply closet door.

"Just apologize." Kendall told them.

"NO!" They both screamed.

"Then you're not getting out." I said, taunting them.

"Logan, open this door." James ordered.

"I can't," I looked at Kendall. "uh, Kendall's holding me back."

Kendall looked at me with an amused smile, I shrugged.

"Kendall, let him go and open this door, you prick!" James screamed and pounded on the door.

I shook my head.

Kelly walked by, still texting. "Let them out soon. The bulding will close and the janitor gets angry when people are here."

We both nodded and she went to the elevator.

"Get us out." Carlos screamed. "Let me go!"

"You pushed into me!" James screamed back.

I sighed.

"Just kiss and make up." I yelled.

We both waited.

"What the hell, Carlos!" James screeched.

"Logan said-"

"He didn't mean it seriously." James said.

"Oh." Carlos said, quietly. "I'm sorry."

"There he apologized!" James screamed back.

Kendall rolled his eyes.

"You haven't." I called out.

Some one groaned.

"Fine, I'm sorry, Carlos for having called you childish." James said, then the pounding began again. "There, get us out now."

I looked at Kendall and he shrugged.

I opened the door and when they got out, James glared at us.

"I'm sorry, James. You guys wouldn't apologize to each other." Kendall said.

James rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically. "Whatever."

"Let's go home." I told them.

We all went home and the car ride was quiet. James didn't look angry anymore, but he wasn't talking to us.

Carlos was staring out the window, thoughtful.

I watched him worried and decided to talk to him later.

We all went to the lobby and I went to the bending machine, wanting a snack.

"Logan?"

I turned around. "What's up, Carlos?"

Carlos nervously looked down.

"Um, did you want me to kiss James when we were locked in the closet?" Carlos asked, quietly.

I stared at him for a second. "I'm sorry, Carlos. I shouldn't have said it that way."

Carlos shook his head.

"He looked so angry." He told me, voice hurt.

I looked at him confused.

"He was just surprised, Carlitos. It's okay." I told him gently.

"But why? I mean, I-" He blushed.

I got the impression that he wanted to tell me that he had liked it, but I wasn't sure.

"What?" I asked, trying to not sound like I was pressuring him.

"I-I-I liked it." He whispered to me.

I knew he was going to say that, but it still surprised me.

"You did?" I asked.

"Yes, for a second he kissed me back, but then he pulled away looking scared and I just-" He began to get tears in his eyes and I looked around. The lobby was almost empty, but Bitters would surely be there any minute now.

"Come on." I said, pulling him to the elevator. When the doors closed I turned back to Carlos. "It's okay, Carlos."

"No, he hated that I kissed him, but I don't know why." He looked so sad, the tears fell down like a waterfall, and I hugged him.

"Let's go to my room." I told him. He nodded.

When the elevator opened, we went to the apartment. James was playing video games with Kendall and when he saw Carlos he stopped and looked away. I glared at him, but of course he didn't see. Kendall looked at me confused, I just shook my head.

Carlos and I went to my room and I closed the door.

"I liked it." Carlos blurted out.

I stared at him, not sure what to say.

"Logan, I liked it. Is that bad?" He asked, crying again.

"No, Carlos. It's okay." I told him.

"He hates me." He said, sadly.

"No he doesn't." I said, enourangingly.

"He wouldn't even look at me." Carlos said, softly.

"No, James is just being James. Code for stupid." I said.

Carlos laughed. "He's not stupid. He's smart and always knows how to get girls-" He stopped.

"Carlos, don't worry about it." I said.

"I like him." Carlos looked at me seriously. "I just didn't know until now."

"Carlos." There was nothing I could say.

"No, Logan, I like him." He said fiercely.

"I believe you." I said and I did.

"Is that bad?" Carlos asked.

"I-no." I told him, smiling.

Carlos hugged me and I rubbed circles in his back. He began to cry and I just held him there until he fell asleep.

When I laid him down I watched him with a smile. I decided to think of what to do to help him. He was my friend, he deserved to get some help. So I would help him. I mean, why were there friends for right?

Kendall's pov

When we came back from the studio, James and I began to play video games. He wasn't really into it like usual, but I didn't worry about it. Logan was my main worry and whatever was gnawing at James, it would go away. James wouldn't let it get to him.

Then Logan and Carlos came inside and to my surprise James looked away. He didn't even say 'hi' or if they wanted to play. It all got stranger when Logan glared at him. I looked at him, confused, wanting to know what was wrong, but he just shook my head.

When they left to my and Logan's room, we continued to play, but it was tense this time.

James kept losing and looked distracted.

I shut the game off, but James didn't even yell or scream. He just stared at the t.v..

"What's up?" I asked.

"Carlos kissed me." James said, voice emotionless.

"Yeah, it wasn't on purpose. Anyway, what's the big deal? So he kissed you and what?" I asked, jokingly.

James blushed and looked away.

"James?" I asked, worried.

James shook his head and stood up. "I'm going to the pool."

He left before I could say anything. Confused by all of this, I went to my room.

Logan was sitting by the wall, Carlos asleep on the bed.

"What's going on?" I asked.

Logan shushed me, pointed at Carlos and pushed me outside.

"I'm not sure." Logan told me.

"I know you know." I told him, hands crossed over my chest.

Logan sighed. "I really don't know yet." He looked like he was lying and that worried me.

"Are you hurting you-"

"No!" Logan sighed and spoke softer this time, "I'm not doing that anymore, Kendall. I'm better." He said, but it didn't sound so confident to me.

"Logan, I'm sorry." I said, leaving it alone for now. "Just let's try and help them solve this issue." I told him.

"I don't think we can help this time." Logan said, a bit tired.

"Why? I thought you didn't know." I asked, suspiciously.

"I think Carlos should tell you himself." Logan said, softly.

I looked at my closed door.

"Fine. Is this about the kiss?" I asked.

Logan nodded. "Yes, but that's all I can say."

I didn't ask him more and decided to wait until tomorrow to talk to Carlos.

"Is Carlos going to sleep in our room tonight?" I asked, motioning to my closed door.

"Yes." Logan said without thinking.

"Okay. I'll sleep on the floor and you sleep on my bed." I said.

"No, Kendall, you don't have to-"

"No, Logan. You're sleeping in the bed and that's final."

Logan looked like he wanted to argue.

"Are you sure?" He asked.

I shrugged. "Yeah, unless you want to share the bed?"

Logan smiled, blushing. "Whatever. Now I'll sleep on the bed."

He went back into the room and I chuckled.

Mom walked over to me.

"Dinner's almost ready." She said.

I nodded. "Okay."

"Call James, I saw him go downstairs."

I nodded again and she left. Katie passed by a pink bow in her hair.

"Not a word." Katie growled.

I just shook my head and waited until she left to laugh.

I went to my room. "Dinner." I told Logan.

He nodded and shook Carlos awake.

"It's dinner time, Carlos."

Carlos nodded and passed me to go to the kitchen.

I texted James since I really didn't feel like going all the way downstairs.

'Dinner's ready come back.'

'i'll be there.' He texted back

He never came to dinner.

**Okay, hope you enjoyed. :)**


	9. Chapter 9

**Disclaimer: I don't own any of these boys.**

**A/N: Logan goes back to his old ways.**

Logan's pov

I sighed and rolled my eyes for the millionth time. "Will you jut listen to him?" I scolded Kendall who was sitting in front of me and a blushing Carlos.

"I don't understand how he just doesn't say that he kissed him?" Kendall told me, voice whiny.

"You're impossible, Kendall." I said, with another roll of my eyes.

"I don't know what's wrong with me." Carlos's small voice stopped us from further fighting. "I just feel so confused."

"It's okay, Carlos, it's probably just a silly crush." Kendall pointed out.

Carlos looked at him like he had said the strangest most interesting thing in the world.

"Crush on him?" he squeaked out in a whisper. "That makes sense, so maybe I'm just confused. H-how do I get rid of it?"

"What?" Kendall and I both said at the same time.

"It's bad, isn't it?" Carlos asked, confused. "I mean, it is right?"

I sighed. "No, it's not. It's a lifestyle just like any other." I said, trying to comfort him. "Something...you can't control. It's not acceptable in society, but it's who you are...no matter what people said." I didn't let myself think what I wanted to think, but in the back of my head I knew that I was in big trouble.

Carlos looked at me confused. "Then why do people not like it if it's like everything else?"

"Because people are...they have certain beliefs, Carlos. I don't think they would mind it if they just got off their high horse."

That made Carlos laugh, which then made me laugh.

"James hates me though." Carlos stated. Not a question, but a fact, pure and simple. A fact.

Kendall sighed. "He doesn't."

"He hasn't been here since last night." Carlos pointed out.

"That doesn't mean he hates you." I said, calmly.

"No, you're right." Carlos said with a smile, and both Kendall and me thought that was the end of that. "He's just avoiding me."

We both sighed and slumped in defeat.

"Let's leave it for later. When we find James, we'll ask him okay?" Kendall compromised.

Carlos's eye grew wide and he stared at Kendall in horror. "No! I mean, no, I can do it."

Kendall looked unsure. "You sure?"

"Of course he's sure." I said, coming to Carlos's defense. "Carlos knows what he's doing."

Carlos smiled at me vote of confidence. "Thanks guys, for helping me." He said. We nodded. "I'm going to go watch t.v. now."

We nodded again and watched him go.

"Want to watch t.v.?" Kendall asked.

I shook my head.

"Pool?"

"No, I really want to be alone." I said, and saw that he frowned in disapprovingly. "Kendall, please, I really need my space sometimes."

"I know you do, but you know why I won't let you be alone." Kendall explained, his tone lowered to the point where it scared me how calm he was. He stared at me with his blue eyes like he knew what I was about to do.

"You don't have the right to follow me around like some sort of guard." I said, losing my cool. When I realized what I had just said, I blushed. Noticing that slightly shocked look on his face, I couldn't look at him, so I looked away. "Believe it or not, Kendall. I am my own person."

Kendall was about to say something else, but I knew that if he did, I would lose my resolve.

I quickly got some clothes for changing after my shower, then headed to the bathroom and after locking it, slid down to the floor, throwing the bundle of clothes away from me.

The last couple of days had been crazy.

I really needed a to relax.

To find some sort of release.

My hand itched to get the razor, but I knew that I couldn't.

For a long time, I sat there, my pressed against the cool door, trying to not do anything stupid.

My eyes opened and I happily told myself that I was okay, that I wasn't going to do anything stupid.

Everything fell when I grabbed the razor and quickly nipped through my flesh as easy as it was to cut a tomato, or a mango.

It was so easy and I wanted to do it again and again.

Stifling down a moan, I turned on the water. I measured the temperature, before I cut a couple more times. The blood, an angry red, ran down my arms and legs. Shame quelled down under the extreme pleasure that I felt.

Without thinking, I jumped into the warm water, stifling down a hiss of pain when the water ran into my cuts. I backed up from the water and chided at my stupid reaction.

I looked at the door and it was still closed, not a soul to be heard. I had to be careful now. Kendall was my biggest problem.

When I finished, I grabbed my dark, navy blue towel and sighed as I wiped at the small trails of blood that still ran down some of the cuts.

Staring into the mirror, the cuts were even more obvious. The paleness of my skin was a deep contrast against the throbbing red of the cuts. It made it all more horrifying. All the more _real_.

I was out of control, and all I could think was: I need help.

Despite that small knowledge, my shame didn't want the help. I just wanted to be left alone. To try and forget everything Katie and Kendall had told me. The things they said to cheer me up. Most of all, I tried to get them out of my head so I wouldn't feel more shame than I did now. Which I knew wasn't possible.

I dressed slowly. Everyone in a while I would glance at the mirror. When I was finally done, I realized what I had found so fascinating.

The person in the mirror, I didn't know who that was.

I didn't recognize myself anymore. I was a stranger. A sad stranger that had nothing under control. That was weak, that was sad. I didn't have control, or knew everything.

I wasn't Logan.

And the person in the mirror, he wasn't me either.

I wasn't me anymore.

**A little sad. :(**


	10. Chapter 10

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

**A/N: I'm so sorry that I put Kendall's eyes as blue. I'm not sure what I was thinking when I was writing last chapter, but I'm sorry. Hope you enjoy this one though.**

Logan's pov

When Kelly's party came to full swing, I sullenly watched from the sides. Katie and Momma Knight weren't here, the only company I wanted. They made me feel better, mostly because even though they asked me if I was okay, they didn't overdo it.

Carlos was the only one other than me who was in a sour mood. Ever since that day in the supply closet he's obsessed over getting over his crush on James. I sighed every time he rambled about it.

"It's not going to away just like that." I told him.

Carlos looked at me, not even listening to me.

"You're not going to get over the crush by avoiding it." I informed him.

Carlos scoffed. "Says the guy that keeps to himself all day not talking to his friends."

"Touche." I replied.

"Why don't you just talk to him?" I suggested.

Carlos tensed up. "He's done everything to avoid me, Logan. I can't just go over there and talk to him."

"Why not?" I asked. Carlos thought for a second, and when he couldn't think of what to say, I sighed. "Go talk to him."

He mumbled something about about 'smart' and 'annoying'.

I rolled my eyes, but smiled at how funny he was.

Carlos disappeared into the crowd and I relaxed more into my chair.

"Logan." Kendall said, coming over.

"Kendall." I said, not wanting to act suspicious. My cuts burned as if wanting him to know they were there.

"Why have you been avoiding me?" Kendall asked.

I had to admit, he sounded like a pissed off girlfriend. My mistake was to laugh at my own joke.

"It's not funny, Logan. I'm worried about you. I've been thinking a lot and I think I should tell the others if you don't start talking to me." Kendall looked really worried, but I felt angry and worried. The last thing I wanted was for anyone to know that I was cutting.

"You can't tell anyone, Kendall." I said, looking at the crowd around us. The light was sort of fluorescent, so it made me feel like I was in the spot light. Not a good feeling when I was talking about cutting. "Look, just don't."

"Why not? It's obvious that I'm not helping by keeping my mouth shut." Kendall said, angrily.

A couple of people looked over.

"Would you relax, people are looking." I said, smiling at the people.

"So? they don't matter, Logan. You matter to me. I care about you." Kendall said, his voice tinged with annoyance.

"Leave me alone, Kendall." I said, trying to walk away.

Kendall stopped me, by pulling me back to him.

"Don't walk away Logan. I'm talking to you." Kendall said, voice angry but low.

I laughed. "Are you kidding? I don't need to listen to you. Why should I? You just threatened me with telling the others about my problem. A friend wouldn't do that, Kendall."

Kendall glared at me. "I'm your friend and you may not like it, but friends do that, Logan. They butt into your business like there's no tomorrow and help you as much as they can."

We began a staring contest. "Let me go."

"No." Kendall said stubbornly.

"Let me go, Kendall." I pulled away roughly, now getting the attention of some passer-by's.

"Logan," he began.

"Just leave me alone." I walked away, getting out of the party and out of the building. The night was cold and dark, but I'd rather walk home than stay at that party.

James pov

I couldn't stop thinking about the kiss. Carlos hadn't done it on purpose it had all been an accident. Or so Kendall explained.

I wanted to believe him and I did, but I still couldn't face Carlos.

He had kissed me! And worst of all, worst than having a scratch on my beautiful face, I liked it!

Normal people wouldn't have liked it. Not when it was one of your best friends who had kissed you. One of you're male friends.

I thought a lot since that day in the supply closet and I came up with two possibe solutions for this: 1) it had been dark, that had clouded my judgement and 2) he had very soft lips! They were like a girls. Just like a girls.

I ate my fifth sub sandwich and moaned into my bite. I hated this.

Someone tapped my shoulder, but I ignored them. It was probably the publicist. The last thing I needed right now was someone to bug me about taking a damn picture.

"Hey." Carlos walked in front of me, looking a bit angry.

I stared at him for only a second before I began to choke.

"James, are you okay?" Carlos asked, voice ringing with worry and concern. He patted my back until I had stopped coughing.

When I looked at him, he looked up at me. His big, dark, brown eyes full of concern and worry.

Stop looking so cute, my mind screamed at him.

Carlos didn't hear me of course, because he put a gentle hand on my shoulder and smiled weakly.

"You okay?" He asked.

God, even his voice sounded cute and innocent.

"Fine." I said, as calmly as I could and moved to walk away. Carlos got in my way. I tried to move again, but like before, he got on my way. "Carlos, um, move."

"No." Carlos said and we stared at each other. Had he just-

"What?" I asked, not believing my ears.

"We need to talk."

The image of a girl wanting to be more than friend's came to mind and I panicked.

"No." This time I said it.

Carlos looked around before opening the door behind me and pushing me inside.

"Hey!" I shouted but he put a hand over my mouth.

"We have to talk." Carlos said, not even asking, just stating.

I rolled my eyes, crossed my hands and did everything to ignore him.

"We kissed-" Carlos said, flinching as he said the word.

I gasped dramatically. "I didn't kiss you." I put a hand over his mouth. "Nothing happened, okay? It was all in your little head."

Carlos glared at me with so much hate I thought I would blow up any minute now.

Instead, he pushed my hand away from my lips, and before I could stop him, stood on his tippy toes and landed a big one on my mouth.

I, of course, tried to push him away.

I succeeded a couple of time, but every time my lips were a breath away from him, he would kiss me back. It was a hard, needy kiss. It was so rough I was sure my lips would be swollen.

Carlos pressed me against the wall and I wouldn't have that, I flipped us so I had him pressed against the wall.

We kept kissing. I felt strange, but in a way I liked this. It was so natural to me.

Carlos pulled away and I tried to lean in for more, but he pulled even farther back, so far that he hit his head on the wall.

"That happened, James." Carlos said, his words fuzzily trying to understand what he meant. "It wasn't all in my little head." He added, sarcastically. He pushed me off, wiped his lips on purpose, before leaving me in the small supply closet.

When my mind had finally woken up from it's momentary dream, I dropped to my knees and sat by the wall. Carlos's words repeated in my head like a broken record and I hugged my knees to my chest.

I liked it, again. I hit my head against the wall once, before sighing.

Why did his lips have to be so soft like a girls?

I sighed again, angry with myself and this whole mess. If Logan hadn't said 'kiss and make up' none of this would have happened. This is all his fault!

Realizing this, I knew that I had to give Logan a piece of my mind. And soon because he ruined my life!

I hugged my knees closer to my chest, feeling strangely vulnerable and feeble. All the while, Carlos's words still rang in my head.

As well as the kisses.

They filled up my mind. Together, one after the other, and then mixing up themselves with the words he had said.

It all just didn't stop.

It'd repeat again.

And again and again and again.

**Well, it's a bit sad, but I don't think James should be angry at Logan. So sad. Hope you guys liked it though. :)**


	11. Chapter 11

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

**A/N: this will be short. It's mostly a filler chapter. oh and from now on I don't really know how good my updates will be. I'll try to make them fast, but I'll be busy. just a warning.**

Kendall's pov

Jo was looking at me weird and I sighed.

"I'm sorry." I said, I had probably began to daydream. Again.

"It's okay." She said, but I could tell that she was annoyed. She lazily made her way into my lap and raked a hand over my hair. Her smiled made me smile and she kissed me passionately.

I wanted to like it. I did. I enjoyed it very much, but it was just so hard to do this now.

"Jo-" I began after I had pulled away.

Jo sighed and moved off of me.

"Okay, fine." She looked ready to cry, and rubbed a hand over her forehead. She looked so stressed. "You need to leave it alone, Kendall. Logan's fine. He's a big boy he can take care of himself!" She shouted at me.

I stared at her shocked.

"Seriously, Kendall. You worry more about him than you do me. You act like he's your girlfriend, when in fact I am. And I'm right here." Jo screamed, face red and distorted in rage.

I sat up and sighed. I couldn't even look at her.

Ever since I found out about his cuts, I promised I wouldn't tell anyone if I helped him, but now I wasn't so sure.

Maybe if I just told Jo what was wrong she wouldn't be so angry at me.

"I'm breaking off with you." Jo said, quietly.

"What?" I looked at her shocked. My heart stopped in place and I couldn't believe my ears.

"You heard me." Jo looked at me carefully. "I just don't know what to do anymore."

"Jo, give me a chance. I can fix it. I'll be the best boyfriend ever. Just please give me a chance." I pleaded.

Jo shook her head. "No, I can't do this anymore." She held her apartment door open and I stared at her for a moment. "Leave, please."

With no idea what to say, I walked out of there. My world confused and flipped upside down by what had just happened.

This couldn't have just happened.

I went to the apartment and for once, I was the one who locked myself in our shared room. I hadn't seen Logan the whole day. It was a good thing, because if I had I would have hurt him. Just so he could fell how broken I felt inside.

I couldn't believe anything anymore.

Carlos pov

Lust, love, crush, puppy love. There were so many words for it. I sighed.

"I don't want to know what it is, just how to get over it." I repeated for the millionth time.

Logan glared at me.

"I don't know, Carlos. What you're dealing with, it's feelings. Believe it or not, there is no logical way that I could help you with that." Logan said angrily.

His anger hurt me. I didn't want to get him angry or anything. I just wanted help.

Logan sighed and placed a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry, Carlitos. I'm just tired."

I nodded.

"Just tell me how you feel." Logan said, and sat down next to me.

In the silent apartment room, I barely heard him over my shock. "What?"

"Look, the best way to get over something is to let it out. Come on, tell me how cute James is." Logan joked and I pushed him away laughing.

"Shut up, Logan." I said, although I had to admit that this whole talk, even though it was barely starting, it did make me feel better. "Look, I don't know what it is. He's just really smart and, used to be sweet." I sighed. "He hates me now."

"You told me you guys kissed a second time, right?" Logan asked, and I blushed, but nodded.

I hated remembering. I didn't want to admit it to anyone, but Logan. It was so hard to just say that I had liked it. I wanted to bug James, to make him feel as bad as he had made me feel when he said the first kiss was in my head, that it hadn't happened.

Most of all, I wanted him to feel as humiliated as me. And so I kissed him. Now, though, I sometimes wished I could take it back.

Logan continued by saying, "Someone who hates you wouldn't kiss you."

"How do you know?" I asked.

"Well, who do you hate?"

"I don't hate anyone." I answered honestly.

Logan smiled at me. "Okay, well, lets see. As an example. I wouldn't kiss Jett Stetson, mostly because I don't really liked how conceited he is." He told me.

"Who would you kiss?" I asked, interested.

Logan smiled at me. "No one."

"Tell me." I said, and smiled. "What? It can't be worse than me kissing James?"

"Look, I don't want to kiss anyone. Now anyway. I have better things to worry about. Like you and James for example."

I sighed and nodded. "Thank you for listening. It feels like you're the only one that does."

"I understand, buddy." Logan said.

"What's wrong with you lately?" I blurted out.

"Nothing." Logan told me, his eyes darkening. And he hugged himself. "Come on, let's just figure everything out."

"Fine." I said and we continued to talk about James.

James pov

I knew they were talking about me. It didn't bother me. Well, it did, but I had to keep myself calm until later. Now was not the best moment to scream at them.

I really hated everything.

How Carlos had just made fun of me.

I didn't listen to everything they said, I felt really awkward. And anyway, all I wanted was to find something I could use against him. Nothing.

Just having Logan there, the one that started all of this, made me even more angrier.

It was like the world was against me.

My Cuda products didn't even make me happy anymore.

I just felt so sad and weird.

I wanted it to go away.

**this was a bit boring. sorry.**


	12. Chapter 12

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

Logan's pov

Everyone was crazy and acting weird. Finally Carlos had left me alone, but it all went down hill after that.

I was stressed and really felt like cutting again. I just wanted to feel better, but I didn't want to do anything bad. So I thought good, happy thoughts.

It didn't last long.

"Logan, what are you doing?" Kendall asked, coming into my room.

"Nothing. Reading." I said, feeling frustrated. "I think I'm going to take a shower soon."

"Oh really?" Kendall nodded, a glare in his eyes.

"Are you okay?" I asked, confused.

"Oh fine. Jo just broke up with me." Kendall said so calmly, so casually as if it was any other thing. It freaked me out.

"What?" I asked, shocked. "Why?" I asked, now concerned.

"Oh nothing happened. I didn't do anything wrong. I did everything right. My only problem was looking over you." Kendall accused.

"What? I didn't-"

"Look, if I hadn't worried about you so much, if you just weren't so stubborn all the time." Kendall paused and shook his head, like it was the worst thing in the world. Like he couldn't believe his luck. "Sometimes I really hate this sometimes. Worrying about you, all of you. You're supposed to be smart, Logan. Why did you have to be so stupid?"

With that he left in a huff, telling the others that he was going to the pool.

"Stupid?" I said to myself. The pain in my heart too much for me to bear. My first instinct was to cut. I really needed it. Especially now. After what Kendall had said.

Wanting to not do anything I would later regret, I went to the living room. No one was around. Except for Katie.

"Hey, Logan." She said, distracted by the t.v., changing the channels.

"Hi." I said, as calmly as I could. For some reason, my heart pounded into my chest.

"You okay? You look sorta pale." Katie sat up and looked at me worried.

"Oh, i'm fine. Just...lack of sun rays." I joked.

Katie smiled lightly. "You hungry? It would do you good."

I shook my head. "No, I'm going for a walk."

"Okay. Come back later, I want help with my homework." Katie instructed.

I said I would come back as soon as I could and instead of going down the elevator, I went down the stairs. I needed time to think.

I was so lost in thought that when I heard a person walk up the stairs I didn't look at them until they were right in font of me.

"Hey, James." I said, smiling. Needing a friendly face.

"Oh." James said coldly. "Hey."

He tried to move past me and in my shock and anger, I blurted out.

"What? You hate me too?" I asked, half-serious half-joking.

"Is it that obvious?" James asked, not even playing.

I stared up at him, nodding. Kendall's words coming back to me.

"Well, good." James shot back. "I wouldn't want to give the wrong impression."

He left, but I stared after him. Their words swirled around me and I felt horrible. What had I ever done wrong?

I didn't ask Kendall to help me? No, I had and he was right. I was the reason Jo had broken up with him.

James. He was different. Carlos didn't understand- he had misinterpreted my words. It wasn't on purpose.

But they hated me, they both thought I was stupid. How could I argue with that?

Despair ran through me like numbing fire and i knew what I had to do.

I ran to my apartment, got my razor that I hid in my room, and took off. But before I did, I paused and heard James arguing with Mrs. Knight and Katie.

I couldn't bear it anymore.

I ran out of the apartment, behind the dumpster and just dug into my skin.

But this was more than wanting pain. I wanted to feel more. No, I wanted to feel less.

I wanted to not feel at all.

Cutting deep into my skin, seeing the blood flow out of me like a river, I began to feel light-headed. The world swirled around me and the only thing I could think was how James and Kendall both hated me.

Somehow, the sky was right above me, I felt so light and the tears blurred my eyes.

I felt strange. Not right. Lighter than usual.

It didn't feel good.

My whole body felt ready to be sick and I just gave in to the dark before I could feel more.

Bitters pov

They were having another party. I could smell it. They always had them on Fridays.

Wanting to sneak up on them, I decided to go out the back.

Nothing better than to catch prey from behind. All unexpected and surprised they would all look. The perfect reward for my hard work.

I stopped when I found a boy in the floor.

I was about to scream at him when I recognized him to be as one of those annoying boys from that band when I saw the blood...

My voice didn't escape my throat, but I wanted to scream. Desperately.

Heart beating fast, I etched closer.

"Oh no, oh no." I muttered.

I moved around the blood and checked for a pulse. Found one, but it was faint. Not good.

I dialed 911.

"I need help, I found this boy he's losing blood fast!" I cried panicked.

They said they would come after I gave them the address. Told me to try and put pressure on the wound, no idea why, he was losing too much blood.

I did as they said, and waited for as long as I could. When they finally got here, I was glad that non of the watchers saw who the person was.

"Nothing to see here people." I told them gruffly.

They worriedly did as I said, but I didn't give them no mind. I went to my desk to find the room number for the boys friends. I couldn't think properly. There was so much blood.

He was so pale and he looked dead.

So dead.

I began to fear that he would die.

I never wanted to find a dying person ever.

Clearing my thoughts I found the number and shakily made my way to the elevator.

Kendall's pov

I was still fuming when I got back to the apartment after trying to get some fresh air. It didn't help.

To my surprise I found Katie and mom trying to calm James down. I was too mad to try and help. From what I heard he was angry at Logan too.

Maybe when Logan came back James and I could really make him understand some things. Maybe not get us angry anymore.

I didn't know why I was so angry anyway. Jo and I, we were doomed from the start. But I did love her. Our schedules and our personalities, just didn't blend well sometimes.

I sighed.

I shouldn't be thinking this at all.

A knock came to the door and since mom was still busy with James, I went to open it.

"Yes?" I asked when I saw Bitters there.

"Kendall?" He asked. I nodded. "You're friends with Logan right?"

I felt anger run through me. "I know him." I said, bitterly.

Bitters didn't seem to notice, he looked scared, shaken. Traumatized.

"Are you okay?" I asked.

He didn't answer, instead he said: "He's in the hospital. Logan. He-he's in the hospital."

"What?" My blood went from hot to cold. My heart stopped and I forgot all about my anger.

"He was bleeding." Bitters said softly, quietly.

"MOM!" I screamed.

"What honey? I'm trying to talk to James- Mr. Bitters? What are you doing here?" Mom looked between us, confused.

I stared at Bitters, begging him with my eyes that he was lying.

Bitters looked down sadly.

"Where is he?" I asked, whispering.

"Where's who?" James asked, confused.

"What's going on?" Carlos asked, walking towards us from down the hall.

"The hospital. The ambulance they just picked him up." Bitters answered.

I felt faint.

"Wait, the one downstairs?" Carlos asked. He looked at the rest of us. "What's going on?"

"Kendall?" Mom looked at me, questioningly.

"We have to go to the hospital." I said, broken. Scared.

"What? Honey, what's going on?" Mom asked, freaking out.

"Where's Logan?" Katie asked.

The others realized this too and they all looked at me and Bitters for the answer.

"He's in the hospital." Bitters answered for me.

Everyone went crazy.

They all screamed questions. Wanting to know why he was there? Was he okay? What had happened?

I didn't need to ask Bitters to know what had happened. Logan had cut again and this time it was my fault.

I don't know how I dragged everyone out of the house. I don't know how I convinced Bitters to look after Katie. There's no way I could explain how I made it to the hospital. Specially when they were all screaming questions at me.

They were all worried, but they didn't know.

None of them knew what I knew. They would get hurt and broken once they knew. Because that was exactly how I felt as I drove all the way to the hospital.

The nurse smiled at us warmly, but thankfully Mom asked for me. She directed us to the emergency waiting area, but I could barely sit down. I paced back and forth. Waiting for the doctor to come.

"Kendall, honey, you have to tell us what's wrong with him." Mom pleaded.

I looked at her, tears in my eyes and shook my head. The anger and frustration I felt for what was happening broke through and I kicked and punched the wall.

"Kendall!" James and Carlos grabbed me by the arms and I pulled away.

"Damn it." I cursed and sat down, resting my face in my hands before the sobs broke through my broken body.

Mom hugged me and I looked at Carlos and James who were looking at me worriedly.

I stared back, the tears falling without any restraint.

"He hurt himself." I cried.

"What?" Mom asked, surprised and tried to pull away, but I didn't let her. I kept her in place. I couldn't face the look she would give me when I told her the truth.

"Logan cuts himself, Mom." I cried and the tears fell faster than ever before.

I sobbed and hanged on to mom for all that was good and evil. I just needed someone to hold me.

Mom held me close, crying and I cried with her.

James and Carlos watched us, shocked. I didn't know if they had heard me, but I wasn't going to repeat it again. Not again.

**Sad chapter. Had to do it. :(**


	13. Chapter 13

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

**A/N: I wanted this chapter to be in third person and well, it's kinda the last one in a way. I might add a prologue if need be, but I don't really think there would be a reason for that. And i'm really sorry for not having updated in a week. I'm having a rough week, and I know I'll be having an even rougher month, but sorry.**

**A/N2: Sad chapter, and I mentioned Ellen DeGeneres because I love her and she's a good reminder of my friend who loves her much more than me. :)  
**

The flower arrangements weren't needed. Why put something alive, something beautiful in a place with so much death. Those were Kendall's thoughts as he looked around the room, feeling almost like in a dream. It's been a couple of days since Logan died. The doctors kidded themselves and the others, Kendall felt, when they lied and said that Logan could've made it.

Nothing. That was how he felt. The small setting passed with no one talking, only the father. When Logan's parents were called to talk about their son, Mrs. Mitchell could barely utter a word and she cried more than the could bear. Every one watched in silence. Awful silence.

Hate, Kendall could feel it coming from every one around him.

James, standing next to him, and trying his best not to cry, but remembering all the good times, as well as the bad times (and why not, even his ugly words before Logan had killed himself), James found that a harder job than before.

The only one who wasn't even trying to hide his tears was Carlos. That was mostly because he was still in shock. The poor boy cried and whimpered, his lowered lip trembled continuously but not once did he sob or cause a scene. Later, when they were in the graveyard, with the beautiful sun hitting his face, Carlos knew why he wasn't crying. His other friends were broken, so was he, but Carlos knew in his heart that Logan wouldn't want this. He wouldn't want to see his friends crying like this at all.

No one suffered more than Mrs. Knight. To learn the truth from her own son about Logan, knowing she was so close and that she could've helped- it broke her heart.

She could deal with being strong for Katie, but in her heart she knew that she would cry every night wondering, thinking, hoping that she had done something differently.

Those would be the same thoughts the others, mostly Kendall and James, would get later in life.

For now they all wished Logan's parents their condolences, and while they left with Kelly and Gustavo (who had not said anything about the subject so far), Kendall looked one last time at the broken picture of the Mitchell's and hated himself more than ever.

Days, weeks, months passed.

"Kendall, you have to get up!" begged his mom, knocking on the door. Kendall just stared at the ceiling, feeling weak and groggy and just...dead.

Almost a year had passed, almost.

"Kendall, it's enough of this. We have to work." Carlos said, holding the closet door open as he ravaged for Kendall's clothes, which were clean, no thanks to him.

"Why?" Kendall asked, tears in his eyes.

"He wouldn't want us like this.." Carlos whispered, feeling broken in the inside, but knowing he had to move on. "Get up." He sighed and left for his room, to finish getting ready himself.

Kendall looked at the pile of clothes Carlos had picked out, his heart heavy before he headed to the bathroom to change.

Katie watched in silence as all of this happened. It was enough that her mom was so hurt but trying to be strong that it made Katie hurt all the more. She tried to help ease her pain and lapsed in bursts of being alone and doing every thing her mom wanted. The secret smiles Katie caught almost every week told her that she appreciated her attempts.

James and Carlos were a different story. James, like Kendall, could not runaway or try to be happy again. Not when the heaviness of guilt and displeasure got him in every corner. Many times, he had cried in Carlos' shoulder, letting himself be weak and admit to how guilty he felt.

Carlos would cry with him, and though knew that he didn't want to, worked on helping himself forget about James. It was for the best, he reasoned. But funny thing was, the more Carlos was there for James, the more James began to appreciate how beautiful the boy was. He never wanted to ever acknowledge feelings that he was sure were non-existing this way. Not when one of his friends was dead. The friend that had made them get together- the friend he had blamed for the only good thing he had going for him. How could he have been so cruel?

Many times James asked this to Carlos, who listened with tears, before kissing him lightly and whispering soothing words in his ear.

Months later, things did not get better for Kendall, and sadly did the only thing that he thought would make him feel better. He killed himself by taking a bunch of pills.

It was the hardest blow on everyone around him. They had already lost one of their good friends, now to lose another. To lose a son and an older brother, it was horrible.

The small base of fans Big Time Rush made in their beginning suffered just as much. Not one television station or radio could get enough of this big news. It was even more remarkable that instead of staying a group, James and Carlos decided to follow separate careers, even though they stayed good friends. Gustavo had the same pleasure to be their agent and Kelly tried to help them ease into their solo career: easy for them since they were both naturals.

Mrs. Knight and Katie left back to Minnesota, after both boys turned 18 and could live by themselves. They began to date in secrecy and for a good while no one knew, not even Jo and Camille, who were always with them. But news went out and instead of reacting negatively like James and Carlos thought they would, they all didn't say anything. It was still close to Kendall's death and, supposing the paparazzi had a conscious, they left James and Carlos alone, except for every once in a while a picture of them, hugging or kissing, were in the magazines.

By their second year as solo artists, Carlos and James were both asked to appear in Ellen, a reunion of sorts.

James didn't want to go at first, but after being convinced by Carlos, accepted.

Ellen was kind and joked around, which they both welcomed and accepted, for it eased them in into the situation.

"Guys, one question that's been bugging me for almost a year and a half, why did you both separate and go into a solo career? if you don't mind me asking." Ellen asked gently.

James breathed in and sat back in his seat, having expected this question, said clearly and loudly,

"Big Time Rush was Carlos, Logan, Kendall, and me. Without them we weren't Big Time Rush, and so we both decided that it would be better to still be singers, but not as a band. We weren't a band anymore."

"We thought it be best." Carlos said, taking over when he saw James get tears in his eyes, and had to try hard not to start crying himself.

Ellen wished them luck in their future, in their career, in their relationship and asked for the next guest to come in after the break. When she was sure that they were on break, she hugged each one tightly. Wished them the best and hoped that they would visit again.

James promised that they would and walked away. Carlos hugged her once again, thanked her, and left after James. When he found him in the bathroom, crying, Carlos rushed over, hugged him tightly and closed his eyes. Almost three years did nothing to make them forget their tragedy.

"I love you." whispered Carlos as he rubbed circles into his boyfriend's back.

James smiled through his tears. "I love you, too." Carlos would always be his sun. He would always make him feel better and it broke his heart when he remembered Logan. It felt awful that the person that caused both Carlos and he to get together was dead. It was worse when he had been the one at fault for making his die.

"Don't blame yourself." Carlos whispered, knowing that James still blamed himself after all this time.

"I loved them both and they- and they..."

"Shh." Carlos said, crying too, but he closed his eyes so the tears would not fall out.

James and Carlos visited their friends graves whenever they could, they chose rainy days, because the paparazzi never followed in the rain. Well, they did, but James and Carlos were extra sneaky and so they were able to visit them.

"Logan, James always feels guilty for what happened. I know you don't blame him, but he doesn't believe that. Kendall thought that it was his fault too when you died. I wish you were here now. To make it all better. I wished you both were back, so it could be like before. I don't want you guys dead. Why won't you both come back and make everything better? I dream of you guys alive, of everything being back to normal, but then I wake up and it's harder to get up every day.  
James knows that you guys are in a better place, but he wishes you were back all them time. We don't know what to do. We try to live and we will for you guys, but I just don't know how to help James."

Carlos left their bouquet of flowers and spread half the roses for both of them, a faint smile of his face, before he led James home.

That night, James had a strange dream. Kendall and Logan were in it.

"Don't mope around." Logan told him, smiling that same dimpled smile he was regularly jealous of.

"I can't. I've been angry with myself. Half the time I wish I could kill myself too. I deserve it. The only person who stops me is Carlos. He's never lost faith in me. He deserves better than me. It was my fault that you died Logan and I'm so sorry." cried James.

"Stop it." ordered Kendall, sadly smiling at him. "You're alive James, and you finally have Carlos with you. The one person that deserves to have you around. Don't mess it up by making the same mistake that i did."

"But-"

"No buts, what's done is done, James. You have to remember that. Life is still going, you're stuck with us in the past, why don't you let all your guilt go and live. If I was alive, and in your place, even though I've be going through all your feelings, I sure wouldn't waste it. You know why? Because I'd know that you wouldn't want me to waste my life by not letting myself grieve and then move on. Be sad, James. Cry, scream, do everything in your power to be sad, but as soon as it's over, as soon as you're finished wishing for us to be back, trying to compromise everything you have, be free and live life." Logan said, voice sharp, his beautiful brown eyes deep with sadness. "Live your life, James."

"We love you guys and we want you guys to be happy. Stop making it so hard for yourself and do it." Kendall advised and James hugged them both, sighing when he felt them soft and solid. Real.

"Don't miss us too much, James, or you'll get sad again." Logan whispered into his ear.

"Be happy." Kendall told him softly.

They both disappeared and James hugged himself them, crying even in his dream. When he woke up he had tears running down his eyes and Carlos was staring at him, worried and concerned

"James?"

James hugged his close, feeling the tears stream down as he realized that he had at least one person alive and was scared to death to lose him too.

"I love you, Carlitos." James whispered in his ear.

Carlos hugged him back tightly. "I love you, too."

Five years later, Carlos ran after the small girl that he loved so much. James and he had adopted, a baby girl and a baby boy. They loved them more than anything in the world.

"James, you ready?" Carlos asked up the stairs.

"Always." James said, carrying the smaller boy in his arms. "You ready too handsome?"

Carlos rolled his eyes. "You'll turn him into a heart breaker with that sort of pep talk." He chided, getting the baby's bag in his arms.

"What? Can you blame us for having such good looks?" smirked James.

"How about little Lizzy? She'll be beautiful when she grows up. How come you never turn her into a little heart breaker in the making?" Carlos asked, a smile on his face.

"You know that Ethan is the charmer of this family. He'll take after me, and Lizzy. She'll never date until she's 40."

"James!" Carlos laughed as he buckled Lizzy into her carrier.

"Fine." He sighed. "50." Then quickly ran to the front of the car so as to avoid Carlos' glare.

"Why don't you just say that you're my heart breaker." Carlos said, teasingly."I mean, you do say that you're a heart breaker right?"

"Between us, babe," James leaned in to Carlos, looked at the babies in the carriers watching them curiously and smiled before turning his attention back to Carlos. "You're the heart breaker."

Carlos blushed. "Not true!" He playfully hit James.

James pulled him close, and was about to kiss him when he stopped because of the babies. "You're the one who stole my heart, Carlitos. That to me is what makes a person a heart breaker."

Carlos blushed, but still kissed him.

"I love you." Carlos told him for the millionth time.

"I love you too." James said, leaning in, letting his feelings guide him. "My heart breaker."

Carlos pushed him away, laughing. "Come on, we're going to be late."

Together they got on the van and continued on living their life. Never forgetting their future, but loving how they had each other for support.

**The End.**

**I think it was a crappy ending, but I didn't find any other ending. I hated myself for days when I knew that it was going to end like this, but James and Carlos made it up for me. :) Hope you guys weren't so sad to not like this story. And I'm sorry about Logan and Kendall. :(  
**


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